SATIRE: Students spontaneously combusting on way to class

The Sentinel

By: Robert Thomas

ga_heat

comic credit: Paulette Juieng

With temperatures reaching into the 90’s in the previous weeks, many students have been suffering the consequences, with some being worse than others.

Amid these soaring temperatures, there have been multiple reports of students spontaneously combusting while walking to class. Others have allegedly melted into the sidewalk. Some students who have turned to ash, however, have found this to be a much-needed relief from the burden of classes.

“At first I was really bummed out about the whole ‘turning to ash’ thing. Then I realized this meant I wouldn’t have to work on my paper due next week,” said one pile of ash.

However, various KSU departments have warned students that spontaneous combustion does not count as an excused absence.

According to local college valley girl, Molly Banks, “It’s like literally hotter than the sun. I’m like totes dying right now.” While a local contrarian, Joe Head, said, “This is baby stuff. I love showing up to class dripping in sweat.”

There have been additional reports of a portal to the eternal flames of the underworld ripping open on the campus green and devouring the souls of the weak.

Several demon hell-spawns have also leaked from the portal and are allegedly taking up any additional campus parking and assigning unreasonably long research papers.

Some students have taken to beating the heat by using a stick, while others have, instead, suggested a more diplomatic approach of opening negotiations with it and establishing a mutual compromise.

The Trump administration, however, has reversed a former policy of peaceful relations with our closest star and made numerous tweets threatening to launch a ballistic missile strike at the Sun. Trump goes on to say that there is finally a clear justification for the funding of a space force.

Some students have reportedly enjoyed the spa-quality relaxation of their classrooms becoming temporary saunas. As a result, KSU has decided to add an additional $135 “spa fee” to next year’s tuition for the luxury.

These reports of spontaneous combustion amid the heat wave have some students suggesting that this is clear evidence of climate change and the end of times.

When the Sentinel staff attempted to contact climate scientists about this issue, one local scientist, George Lahm said, “Get out of my office! How did you get in here and why are you naked?”

However, a number of climate change skeptics, such as Alex Scones from “InfolessWars,” have questioned this suggestion. “These students that are spontaneously combusting into ash are clearly just crisis actors,” Scones said. “If climate change is real, why are there still frozen pizzas?”

Stay cool out there Kennesaw, but not too cool for school or you might end up melting in the gutter when you can’t afford healthcare!

 

Article originally published by The Sentinel